By Dai Bando
Thank you, Merrick Garland, for your latest Final Report. While many consider you the biggest failure of any attorney general in our lifetimes – I contend that in the narrow context of Final Reports, you will be remembered as a truly great AG.
True, some consider it a failure that your office did not BEGIN gathering evidence to build a case against Trump until August 2023, but YOU KNEW that you’d get that all-important Final Report finished before Trump would take office for a second time in January 2025. Bravo!
And now, it is all over. ‘A clean shirt do ye’, as the Scots say (translation: ‘You’re not long for this world. One more change of laundry and that’s it’). But I’m certain the latest Final Report is surely a banger!
With The Final Report finished, you are now free to write books about interesting stuff that was withheld from ALL of your Final Reports. You can enjoy lunches with your buddies at the Federalist Society (you’re still a member, right?), and maybe join a D.C. law firm in search of a partner with a waspy first name like ‘Merrick’.
The entire world saw Trump attempt to launch a coup after losing the 2020 election, but you wisely waited nearly a year and a half after taking office before finally appointing a special prosecutor. I’m sure, as time was running out, you patted the back of Jack Smith and consoled, “Don’t worry Jack, we’ll give them one helluva Final Report!”