Jog on, New Year’s runners – I’m out 

By Diane Morgan

Surely it can’t do my internal organs any good to be slopping about like that?

It’s January. The joggers are out.

Not the ones you see all year but the ones who decide to give it a go. They look different to the real ones. You can spot them a mile off. They look like someone who’s been trapped down a well for nine years, then suddenly released. They’ve forgotten how to move normally. The light hurts their eyes.

Jogging is awful. When I jog I can feel my whole skeletal frame crashing around inside my body, like a chicken carcass being thrown down a stairwell.

Surely it can’t do my internal organs any good to be slopping about like that? I can feel my kneecap gristle being ground down like ginger biscuits being hit with a mallet. I can feel my brain knocking against my skull like a turnip in a bowl of milk. It honestly feels like my eyes might dislodge. It’s just not worth it. But before I can even start thinking about jogging, there’s the preparation. Because I can’t just throw on a T-shirt and grab my keys like David Gandy might. No.

First of all my boobs have to be strapped down against my chest like I’m transporting two dozen eggs on the roof-rack of a car.

Then I need those special small socks that you can’t see with the human eye. Then I need to scrape all my hair up into a ponytail, making me look like someone’s drawn a face on a balloon. Then I need to take all my make-up off and pray I don’t see anyone for fear of them tweeting “Oh my God, Diane Morgan must’ve died, because I just saw her cold dead corpse running down the high street.”

Then I put on my embarrassing jogging bottoms that I bought only because they have a zip-up pocket where I can keep the front door key. Otherwise, where do you put it?

Do you swallow it? Or run around clutching it?

Anyway, the jogging bottoms have FITNESS PRO written across the arse. I know. It didn’t seem that bad when I bought them but now I may as well have a badge saying “ARSEHOLE”.

By now it’s almost time to go to bed, but I can’t just run around to the sound of my own sad, plodding footsteps, I have to have music. I like to have quite filmy music. Dramatic. Inspiring. Maybe the theme from Hitchcock’s Vertigo – something like that. So that when I inevitably collapse in an underpass I can’t hear my own pathetic wheezing, and instead I can pretend to be Kim Novak. A sweaty, red-faced Kim Novak in a Reebok hoodie, quietly having an asthma attack.

I finally leave the house. It’s icy cold, but I comfort myself with the fact that before long I’ll feel like I’m being boiled alive in my own sweat.

I start plodding. I immediately get a stitch, as if my body is saying, “Who do you think you are, Paula Radcliffe?”

I aim to do 20 minutes. Walking still counts if you’re wearing sports stuff. OK, 10 minutes and then I’ll head back. I’m pretty sure it’s still doing me good. I pass a group of teenagers. I try to look as if I’ve just finished a five-mile jog.

When I get home I feel great when it’s finally all over, because it’s finally all over and my body is thanking Christ it’s finally all over.

I see other people jogging like it’s easy. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.

Needless to say I get shin splints. If you’ve never heard of shin splints I’ll save you the Google – it’s bits of bone splintering off your shin. Happy now?

Anyway I hope I haven’t put you off? I’m sure it’ll be different for you. Happy new year.

Source: Jog on, New Year’s runners – I’m out | inews

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Rob Brydon reveals when mockumentary The Trip will return with Greece-set series

Rob Brydon

Rob Brydon has revealed when fans can expect to see the new series of The Trip. It’s been over two years since Brydon and Steve Coogan were last seen on screen together – in 2017’s The Trip to Spain.

The Trip – co-created by Brydon, Coogan and director Michael Winterbottom – began on BBC Two in 2010. The series saw them embark on a restaurant tour of northern England.

Later outings saw them repeat the formula in Italy and Spain.

In the series, the actors play fictional versions of themselves.

This year, Coogan reprised the character of Alan Partridge for This Time, a BBC series that was acclaimed by critics and viewers alike.

Read the full interview with Brydon here.

The Trip To Greece will be broadcast on Sky One and NOW TV in Spring 2020. Gavin & Stacey returns for a one-off special on Christmas Day on BBC One.

Source: Rob Brydon reveals when mockumentary The Trip will return with Greece-set series | The Independent

“I use the best, I use the rest”

Neil Innes death: Monty Python and The Rutles star dies aged 75 

 

Comedian and musician Neil Innes, who collaborated with Monty Python and played with The Rutles, has died aged 75, his agent has said.

Essex-born Innes wrote music for Monty Python’s albums including Monty Python’s Previous Record and The Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief, after becoming involved with the comedy group in the 1970s.

He appeared in the 1975 film Monty Python and the Holy Grail as a head-bashing monk, the serf crushed by the giant wooden rabbit, and the leader of Sir Robin’s minstrels. He also had small roles in Terry Gilliam’s Jabberwocky and Monty Python’s Life of Brian.

Innes is said to have provided the famous whistling on “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”.​

Source: Neil Innes death: Monty Python and The Rutles star dies aged 75 | The Independent

Coogan: Brexit Advisor ‘Should Be Hung, Drawn and Quartered’

Plenty of celebrites have weighed in on Brexit, from Emma Thompson to Roger Daltry. Steven Coogan’s take on the subject, though, is unabashedly pro-European and anti-Brexit.

The comic actor from “Stan & Ollie,” “Philomena” and “The Trip” franchise often lets his films do the talking for him. He attacked conservative talk radio most recently with “Hot Air,” and his new film, “Greed” similarly swipes modern-day capitalism.

Coogan expounded on a host of issues with The Hollywood Reporter this week as part of “Greed’s” promotional push. The Oscar nominee spoke out against President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly. It’s what he said about a key figure in the current Brexit battle that might shock his longtime fans.

It’s hardly unusual for stars to speak out against Brexit. “Doctor Strange’s” Benedict Cumberbatch, Emma Thompson, Helena Bonham Carter and Keira Knightley. Michael Caine is one of a smaller group of actors cheering on Brexit.

Roger Daltrey of The Who fame is a surprise Brexit supporter.

Coogan is in the former camp, with no room for wiggle room. It’s the rhetoric he employs on the subject, though, that might raise some eyebrows.

Dominic Cummings is a political strategist and advisor to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Cummings is doing what he can to make Brexit a reality following a 2016 election on the matter.

Coogan isn’t a fan, and that’s putting things mildly. Here’s what he said when THR asked him about the matter of Brexit:

“I think it’s contemptible. Boris Johnson is a contemptible individual. I think Dominic Cummings should be hung, drawn and quartered, publicly. Like most people in the country, I’m exhausted by it. But I am vehemently pro-European, especially with Putin, China and Trump’s USA as the power brokers in this world.”

Source: Coogan: Brexit Advisor ‘Should Be Hung, Drawn and Quartered’ – Hollywood in Toto

“I use the best, I use the rest”