By Michael Stevenson
Dear St. Jude, Patron Saint of Lost Causes,
Let me begin by stating how very much I like your latest Facebook profile pic – the new “fit Jude” image. No one should believe that a top-notch saint such as yourself needs to appear hungry or disheveled. It was clearly time for a change. Bravo!
As you know, I’ve prayed to you with a special request for about two years now, and I so appreciate you hearing my prayer. I knew that you would.
I was quite specific in my prayer, however, and I believe there has been a mistake made. Let me say that I fully appreciate that you, as Patron Saint of Lost Causes, are incredibly busy. Certainly the sheer number of Lost Causes today is our fault and not yours. I’ve previously suggested moving all sports-related Lost Causes (Mets, Jets, etc.) to a separate saint (an intern perhaps?) But we shall address that another time.
What needs to be addressed today is that, as they say in politics, “Mistakes were made” with my frequent and fervent prayer request.
Here it is: It was NOT Bernie Sanders who was supposed to have the heart attack. I don’t know if you can rewind/replay prayer requests, but it was definitely not Bernie. Go back and listen.
Also – the fellow who is supposed to have the heart attack (let’s refer to him as Individual #1 here) … well, his attack needs to be fatal. I’m quite sure I specified that. I also promised to convert a few pagans if it could happen while he was sitting on his solid-gold toilet. But that extra trimming is not so important at this time.
With all the political news 24/7, I can understand how confusing these things can get. Absolutely no problem, as the kids say. It just was a mix-up. Mistakes were made.
BTW, after we take care of the first prayer request (correcting the heart attack recipient) another prayer request of mine is to eliminate the phrase “no problem” as a replacement for “you’re welcome.”
On second thought, forget that about “no problem.” I’ll take that up with a lesser saint. You’ve got enough to do.
To reiterrate, the heart attack for Individual #1 needs to be fatal. The pain level and duration of the attack, well hell, I’ll leave that up to you.
All my love and respect,