1. Being funny is the main way men attract women; we can’t take that away from them.

There’s nothing better then a man who makes you laugh – it’s a quality women value highly and one used to describe every successful date and suggested set up. If women were funny it would be unfair, I mean we already have the gloriousness that is breasts, what more do we want! It’s why male peacocks have colourful feathers, why lions have manes. Women have to tone it down because, without the upper hand in the humour stakes, what do the unfairer sex have?

2. There’s nothing funnier than a man’s appendage

There’s a reason we don’t spend our adolescence covering notebooks with sketches of vaginas and why we were all accidental members of the Pen 15 club  (if you don’t know you weren’t bullied enough in school). Women are lacking the one body part that is guaranteed to crack a smile out of any male in the vicinity.

3. Gross is funny

The most knee slapping, head rolling, chuckle making moments involve disgusting, unappealing, dirty anecdotes and women just aren’t gross. Women are pretty and delicate. Their number twos smell of Chanel No. 5, their sweat makes them glow, and they only ever break wind odourlessly in hidden corners of empty rooms.

4. If you’re funny, you’re funny for a girl

Being funny is like being good at sport or good at acting: it’s split by the genders, so no matter how hilarious you are, you’re still only FFG (funny for a girl). This way there’s no need to directly compare and no egos need to be hurt. Be glad – it’s really impressive to be funny for a girl (just not as impressive as being actually funny obviously).

5. Name five funny women

No not her, she doesn’t count, or her, she’s a lesbian so obviously not representative. No that one died, that’s unfair. I personally don’t find that other one funny. Yes that film may be the highest rated comedy on Rotten Tomatoes, but I bet there were a ton of men involved. And I cant judge that new one because I don’t plan on watching it. Anyway, the point is there’s way more funny men, so they’re the funny sex.

6. This article

This article was clearly written by a woman, and while it was trying to be a funny satire, it bombed miserably. By looking at the failure of one woman to make you laugh, you can accurately deduce the capabilities of the rest of the gender. Don’t argue with me, it’s science. There you have it, definitive proof that you’re not a raging sexist if you think all women aren’t funny, you’re right.